In this second part of three on a look at stoicism and the Serenity Prayer, I will now look what are the things that we can change as a follow up to the things we cannot change from the first part.
Courage to Change the Things I Can
In the first part, I discussed how stoicism views things that we cannot change in the idea of all those things that are external (outside) of us that we cannot control. Now when it comes to the things we can change, that concept will delve into what we do have control over. For Stoics, the things we can change are the perspectives we take of the world around us, the emotions that we cause inside of us based off that and the actions we choose to take to respond to what happens. When you can master the things we can change, then you can live a nonjudgmental, emotionally balanced and productive life. In this part I will look at how Stoics viewed what we can change in terms of: fate, time, emotions, judgments as well as actions.
Amor Fati
At the end of the first part in this series, I discussed how all the things that are external to us and outside of our control are looked as fate in stoicism. Whether it is a divine power or just the nature of the universe itself, the people that are in our lives and the things that happen have been brought to us by some sort of guiding force. For whatever the reason, it was brought into our lives for us to deal with. Now this is where stoicism has a slight difference of opinion than the Serenity Prayer, where the Serenity Prayer says to simply accept these things we cannot change. However, Stoics believe in a concept called amor fati which is a Latin term that literally means to “love fate”. The Stoics see that we should not complain about what happens or merely accept it, but that we can change our view of fate and learn to love it. To love the things that happen in our lives so that we can learn the most from them and channel them into a force of change to live the life we want to live.
Judgments
“What upsets people is not things themselves but their judgements about these things.”
Epictetus – Enchidrion
What Epictetus, as well as many Stoics, realize is that nothing that happens in life is really bad or good, it is our judgements that give them these labels. We can see this in recovery, for many of us we can look to our “bottoms” where so many bad things in life have happened from the choices we make. We can find ourselves jobless, homeless, in jail, poverty or bad health. And yes if you asked most people to judge these things they would say they are bad. But if these things were the nudge we needed to get us on a path of recovery and without them we would have never begun the journey, then are they really a bad thing? One way to change your perspective to one of amor fati is to look at what happens in your life and do not cast judgement on them as being good or bad, but just see them as just being and then ask yourself how you can use them to learn and to make action
Emotions
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
Marcus Aurelius – Meditations
Distress is when we are feeling negative emotions, such as: anxiety, sorrow, anger or pain. We cause ourselves to have these negative emotions. It is a punishment that we inflict upon ourselves. It is why you will often here in meetings people saying resentments “are like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”. For us in recovery, getting a hold over negative emotions and getting rid of them is essential since these can lead down paths of relapse. What Marcus Aurelius realized is that when we feel negative emotions it is not the thing itself that causes them, but it is how we view the thing outside of our control that causes us to punish ourselves. So if we are the ones who cause our own distress, then we have the power to get rid of it. When you feel these emotions, stop and ask yourself why you are feeling them? Ask yourself if you are making any judgements that should not be made? Ask yourself, why are you giving this power over you? Just as much as you have it in your control to allow for these things to come into your mind and body, you have it in your control to change their hold on you and get rid of them.
The Obstacle is the Way
“The obstacle in the path becomes the path. Never forget, within every obstacle is an opportunity to improve our condition.”
Ryan Holiday – The Obstacle is the Way
What actions can you do in life today to improve your condition and keep growing in recovery and life? Whenever something happens that may not go our way we must look at what is keeping us from getting to where we want to be and take that action today. You want to live a sober life but you are starting to think about relapsing. What can you do? You can go to a meeting, call a recovery friend, call a sponsor, read a book on recovery. Or if you have went through the steps are you carrying out the 12th one to its fullest to keep you strong? You have many things you can do in this moment today to keep you growing in recovery and strengthening it, are you going to make the choice to do it?
You did not get the job or promotion. You can get frustrated and complain about not getting the job or promotion, but that is just you punishing yourself and it still doesn’t change the situation. What are you going to do about it today? Do you need to improve your resume, learn better interviewing skills, or gain more education? Or you do not like your job and wish you could be doing something else? What are you going to do today to start you down that path?
This can work with people in our lives too. Is your family not responding to your newly gained sobriety? What are you doing to try to mend the pain of the past and make it better (and remember only staying sober will give you the chance)? You are lonely and wish you had a relationship. Are you getting out their to meet new people? Have you tried any dating applications? Can you gain insight on how to meet new people from others in your life? Do you have an issue with someone for the way they act? Have you tried to understand that person and why they are that way yet?
The main thing this is all getting at is you making the most of each day to make your life better. What we have the power to change is the life we are living but that will only happen by living a life of action. Looking at all the things that we want to improve in our lives and then taking the steps to make that change. You should constantly be asking yourself what could I be doing today to get past an obstacle and make the most of the life that I control.
Time
As I discussed in the previous article, the past is done, do not get swallowed by it but learn from it. The future will always be uncertain since so many things can change. All you have is this present moment right now. Even when we wake up each morning we assume that we will have the whole day, but how many people on this planet will wake up in the morning figuring a full day ahead to find that their life ends? Live in the present moment. It is the only thing you have control over and the only thing you can use to cause change. Learn to love the fate this moment brings, learn to cast no judgements on if it is good or bad, learn to take control over your emotions and do not inflict them on yourself, and ultimately look at your life and how you want to be and constantly ask yourself what you can be doing right now to make it happen. Have courage to change the things you can by realizing the potential of what you have control over.
If you enjoyed reading this article, I would suggest to read the first one in the series and look for the final part in the coming days. If you want to be kept informed as they come out, subscribe to my social media at the top of the page or follow this website through the link at the bottom.
Derek Castleman: The Sober Stoic 